I’ve had a lot on my mind but haven’t written anything down because the Static is too LOUD. When I do have a clear idea, I procrastinate and overthink. Instead of holding onto that clarity, the Static begins to take over and from all that noise. Vivid scenarios start to manifest of all the steps I need to take to complete whatever it is I want to do.
The best way I can describe it is like watching a documentary from a first-person perspective, where every detail is shown step by step. I see myself doing everything I need to do, down to the smallest actions, like I’m already living it. Except it’s all happening in my head before I ever actually do it.
In these first-person scenarios, I am more confident and braver than I am in reality. I can have conversations with strangers, make bold choices with lunch, go on drives to new areas, and even flirt with someone in line without my face turning tomato red. I do what I have a hard time motivating myself to do in real life. I take daydreaming to a whole different level and I get lost in it.
Sometimes, instead of gaining energy and motivation, I come out of my head feeling even more nervous, anxious, and sometimes scared. It’s incredibly frustrating because I prevent myself from actually trying new things outside my home. Don’t get me wrong—I love being home; I am a complete and utter homebody. But I also know that I am an adult and have to get out and do necessary errands, attend appointments, and pursue simple hobbies.
I hold myself back. I get lost in my head, in that little dark pocket where, honestly, I feel safe and secure—safe from making mistakes, making wrong decisions, and failing to achieve the goals I want. I live my life in that little dark pocket in my head. It’s crazy because I always knew, as an adult, that I had this issue, but I thought it was just harmless daydreaming that everyone participates in. But typing this and watching it form into words makes me realize that I might have a real problem. It could be anxiety, depression, or some sort of trauma. It has to be something along those lines, because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t live there all the time. Yes, I would daydream—but normally, not excessively.
Or do I just not know how to live life? (See, here I go overthinking… AGAIN.) Have I missed out on an important lesson at some point in my life? I know many will say, “it could be worse,” but it is worse for me. I HATE BEING LIKE THIS!
Does anyone else feel like this? Do you live life in your head instead of actually living it? I can’t be the only one?
If you want to leave an opinion, please comment and let me know how crazy I am—or if you share a tiny piece of this insanity… or all of it.
BrainStatic 